Open Letter to Logan Square

Dear Logan Square,

In 2007 we moved to your hood for the green boulevard, the open air, the underground art coffee houses and yard sales. Still under the radar, we scored a 1 bedroom apartment for a good price on the Kedzie Boulevard and our cat had a nice open window to perch upon. The sunlight shined through that window so beautifully for 2 years. Let us not forget the Palmer Square running path, and the patchy green boulevard for runners like us to enjoy. Or the infamous Lula's Cafe that we could really only afford to dine at a handful of times, it will always walk a fine line of pretension. When New Wave moved in we were relieved to have an option besides Starbucks, and it quickly filled with Mac heads and business meetings, leaving no room to sit. Our neighborhood was getting popular. When Obama was running for president we joined the parade of Logan Square artists and contributed our time and followed the campaign events at the Logan Square farmers market. When Obama won, it was the most gorgeous day I will ever remember in Logan Square. I'm not kidding-the leaves were reds and oranges, the air was cool, and the sun was so bright. As time has passed and our lives have shifted Logan has become congested. More people, more everything. An openness has changed to a conglomerate of opportunity for families and entrepreneurs. Our apartment building is turning into a dorm. Our street has no more parking. The love we have for the boulevard is not lost, but it is a love that is changing, and its best to leave now, before it turns bitter. Keep the memories that we've made close to our hearts, but close the door on our time here.

We are moving to Bridgeport today. Home of the Zhou brother's gallery. Also close to our film colleagues and friends. Looking forward to a new phase but will keep you in our hearts dear Logan Square.

Lovingly,

Jessica

birthday in michigan!

This message has been sent using the picture and Video service from Verizon Wireless!

To learn how you can snap pictures and capture videos with your wireless phone visit www.verizonwireless.com/picture.

Note: To play video messages sent to email, Quicktime@ 6.5 or higher is required.

Francisco Foreskin Reporting Live from Air and Water Show

Hello! Omigod zees ees some American airshit in my blueberry opinion. I am so deaf and I hope you can forgive my nonsense reporting I cannot hear myself pee myself!

There are planes flying near my forehead I feel like I need some kind of bullet proof head. Zees ees what I don't understand about zees air show. What ees zee point of some loud bombing squad type sounds in 100 degree weather i personally fink zat most people who are not familiar with american war or basically american type of scary guns and sheet might not want to hear zees all next three days. But what zee funnel cake do I know. i'm just some french hispanic immigrant in your opinion who nees to go back to arizona and get racially profiled by a wholesome american government molester.

Also, I have seen a few children at zee air show and most of them are crying. One little boy looked at me and asked me to save him while his daddy was smoking some kind of marlboro and laughing at all zee smoke in zee air that is killing our ozone.

If i worked in zees area in chicago and zee planes fly by my window i might assume zees is 9/11. i heard one woman say she gets therapy for post stress issues and i don't blame the soft lady. imagine you are at work trying to go to zee bathroom and you hear WAR outside? your bunhole might freeze shut completely. zees things happen my granddad told me about the 1942 toilet incident in his station. you don't want to know. plus i don't really remember if it had anything to do with war necessarily.

Now if zees was zee 4th of july i might not mind, i mean if there are flashy lights to go with the bombing noises it makes everything much more amber waves of grain if you know what i mean.

A Robbery Story by Lisa Witmer

My friend Lisa regales me with her evening in Chicago last night that involved the Loincloth Robber at CVS:


I got home. I washclothed my cat down with soap and water and gave her a bath.
I put in a load of laundry.
I started to to do the dishes
I started to take care of the trash
I brushed my cat
I ate some chocolate milk and some chips.
I went back to the dishes
I took out some trash
I brought my clothes back from the laundry
I went back to the dishes
I had some more chips
I turned the tv on
I almost Finished the dishes
I hung up my clothes
I wrote a check to my mom and put in envelope
I wrote a check to comcast
I went back to the dishes
I took out more trash
I went outside to broadway and mailed my letters
I went to walgreens----it is 12:30am now
I noticed a guy tripping out in the parking lot of walgreens and screaming at another guy in a high pitched voice
I told the security guy at walgreens that someone is 'tripping out' in the parking lot. I had to say it 3 times before he understood that someone was 'tripping out in parking lot"
I am in process of picking up some kitty litter, water bottle, and large plastic bags.
The 'tripping out guy' storms into Walgreens and is screaming for Andrea to get him $100 that he needs it so bad. (i'm not sure who he's talking with) he does not have shoes on his shirt is brown and is tied in the front exposing his chest, he doesn not have pants on, he is wearing some sort of cloth like a loin cloth also tied. he appears to be wearing tight black undies. he is screaming and pounds on the register's buttons. the cashier lady leaves. she leaves and goes in the back. some other guy comes in a tries to get trippy billy out. the security guard just stands there. there are no cashiers. eventually tripping billy leaves and it appears that then...the security guy calls 911.
I finally decide on the FLexforce 13 gallon garbage bags because they are on 'sale'
I go to front of store to check out
There are no cashiers
I am waiting with another girl who just so happens to have picked up the same water bottle and kitty litter. weird.
Tripping billy comes back in and me and the other girl back up near to the photo booth. we are scared.
Tripping billy jumps the register and is still wailing that he needs $100 and then he'll go. he is pounding on the registers
Two guys try to get him out. physically. billy grabs the security bars by the door and clings to him.
Tripping billy gets hit a few times and the men try to pluck him from the bars.
The cashier comes back.... WITH A HAMMER
Another cashier comes back...WITH A HAMMER
i talk with a guy who has a paintbrush stuck in his glasses. we are scared that we might get hit with some sort of crossfire..hammer fire.
The police finally come. it took them forever.
Tripping billy gets arrested.
I check out.
I go home.
I start freaking out a bit on way home.
I start another load of laundry
i finish my dishes
i take care of my cats poopies
i drink my water and more chips
i seperated all my clothes into laundry loads via garbage bags. i have six bags of laundry to do.
other things happen
I clip my finger and toe nails.
I pumice my feet.
I take laundry out of dryer
i am up till 3:30am
I wake up at 7:30 and shower
I take my cat to the vet. I spent $260.00 on bloodwork when i went to get her one rabies shot.

Then end.

Welcome to Gentle Waters Screening in Chicago!

The Hungry Brain
Monday August 9th 2010
8pm
Free admission!

Be there! http://gentlewatersmovie.com

RSVP here

Book

I have decided to self publish some of my favorite blog posts and facebook status updates to a book form. I'm really excited to do this because I will be able to have something tangible to show for some of my favorite creative and funniest work on my blog. Some of it will be focused on more serious aspects of my blog and other parts devoted to the funny stuff I have witnessed in the city and just general experiences.

Press in the Times Union about Welcome to Gentle Waters!

READ IT HERE!

LOVE

Read this article about A Different Kind of Christian Demonstration for Gay Pride. MUST MUST READ.

Dear Lindsay Lohan from Francisco Foreskin

Dear Lindsay,

Holy fingernails, I am on a roll lately. What in zee hell is going on with your life? I used to be a big fan when you were little on the Disney channel and now your freckles have turned to bleached out ugly face. Go back to dark hair! You don't have to be blond for people to like you. Sure, it is true to that American bullshit prizes blond hair, as I get turned away from people all zee time because of my dark moustache, but I have been true to myself and so should you.

I don't know exactly what kind of drugs you are doing, but I fink that you should really fink about overeating instead. Nobody get arrested for that bullsheet.

Your mother and father need to get it together too. And you putting up on your Twitter that your mother has been your strength and all that fake sheet. Please! Your father may be a fame sucker but at least he's speaking zee truth! And all zees sheet on your Twitter about being treated unfairly? I tell you a little story and then I'm done here. Once upon a time a very not nice man took some tweezers and had to pull out of my anus a rock that my mother put up there because I would not listen to her. If you want to talk unfair, you call my landline and then I'll call you back from my calling card. Ok?

Francisco Foreskin Writes a Public Letter to Casey Anthony

Dear Casey Zenaida Gonzalez Mojito,

Hello. Pardon me for the confusing English if it seem I don’t speak very well. My name ees Franciso Foreskin (Fore-skin) and I reside in zee Chicago, IL. Anyberries, I have read from time to time your situation with zee baby and all that and holy whole wheat I can’t believe zees American bullsheet that ees going on.

So let me get zees straight. You had a baby. Zee baby disappear into thin air. Zen from what I understand your mommy called zee police and made reference to some kind of dead smell in your car.

I tell you what, if you just cleaned that-in France where I am from we wash things.

Anyways, so now you are being on trial for zee murder of your own baby. And what is even more confusing is this ZENAIDA lady. She sounds like some sort of fairy tale Lady Elaine from that show Mr. Rogers or maybe just made up for fun time play in your head. I don’t know but Jesus Squashbuckle Sunday School I can’t believe zees whole media full of bees out around you!!

And I’m sorry you fell on your face. Zat was very easy to watch but I am sorry.

I know zat I come across as eef I don’t understand how American justice system works but in my understanding when they found your baby in the dirt, you should just finally give the correct information to find that nanny raccoon face lady. I mean, who does she thinks she is hiding from everyone and not existing at all!

Your mother is quite a piece of cheese too. She needs to maybe go to my country for a while. I just don’t know about her. Zenaida owes her a personal apology, especially if Zenaida is her hair styler too.

Zees has to be very stressful I’m sure but if you try to sell me a bunch of bananas for more than oh I don’t know $5 I would probably put you in jail too.

Zee most fascinating thing about zees American trial and media stories is I just don’t know who is going to be zee big star in the end! And who is going to end up with who! I feel zat there might be some loving affection between you and your lawyer but I leave that to you your lawyer fees.

Don’t get me wrong, I have sympathy for any American in jail but I just can’t understand how zees baby end up in bad situation and everybody just want to hide zee truth. One time I “borrowed” a parakeet for a day and you just cannot lie about that because parakeets talk with zees loud CAW!

Sincerely,

Francisco

so much music and wine!

This message has been sent using the picture and Video service from Verizon Wireless!

To learn how you can snap pictures and capture videos with your wireless phone visit www.verizonwireless.com/picture.

Note: To play video messages sent to email, Quicktime@ 6.5 or higher is required.

Why Am I Watching Kate Plus 8?

This is the question everyone should be asking themselves if they have TLC on right now.

Kate is treating her children like soldiers and her kids are over stimulated. With penguins. And TV cameras.

I don't understand. Save the ducks.

Michael Palascak from Welcome to Gentle Waters on Jay Leno!

Michael Palascak on Jay Leno TONIGHT July 8th

Michael Palascak, an actor in both our films, will have his network debut on Jay Leno Tonight. Please tune in and support Michael. Not only is Michael hilarious. He is the kindest, most humble person I've ever worked with. He was Jason in Welcome to Gentle Waters. Watch him in our trailer

Jake the Fake and Vienna the Hot Dog

I don't know about you but the heated argument between Jake and Vienna reminded me of when Ali yelled at Justin Rated R Rego and when Melissa hissed at Jason Mesnick. Doesn't anyone see a pattern? Reality TV brings out the WORST in people. Yes, Jake seems like he's got repressed emotions, that come out in the form of throwing random objects and making fun of a girl's dog. And yes, Vienna probably expects a relationship to be "on" all the time and hates the reality of living with someone and not having passion turned up all the way at every minute. But they are not the only ones that have fallen victim to lights, camera, action. Well, I don't mean to really say victim, because, after all, they chose this alter reality of show biz. I still haven't quite figured out why a 23 year old blonde babe needs to go on TV to find love. Don't the youth go on spring break anymore, or better yet, isn't there Match.com now? On one hand I feel bad that they have to have this private ugly break up on camera. Or that she feels so insecure, that she needed to blurt out their business to the world. But then again, you asked to be judged, picked apart, and called a liar and everything else in the book. As does any person that writes a blog! At a certain point, you give up your right to privacy. And Jake, I don't think he gets it. I honestly thinks he feels that a man should be the leader, the decider, the hero with the shiny waxed chest and dimple in the left cheek. Or is it both cheeks? Were those always there? Did he get those implanted before the Bachelor? I'm curious. He's just so darn, cheeky. And then he snaps. And now of course everyone is saying "he shoulda chose Tenley". Eh, half a dozen one way, six eggs the other. I'm not sure. She definitely is your little Ariel that may have layed low for Jakey, but even with all that sparkle in her smile, I'm not sure she wouldn't have seen through the bs eventually as well.

The Mixed Messages of Independence

Def: verb not feeling the need to be dependent on a person, or object. staying home alone watching a movie. cooking for one. running on the beach or meditating. feeling comfortable not being attached to objects of material value. noun Also meaning American, ie: the Declaration of Independence. Fireworks. War. Explosives. Fighting with other countries and taking their things for American prosperity. adjective stable, content, detached, not dependent. also meaning: free spirited, self reliant.

Excerpt

There are mixed messages everywhere.

Work your ass off. But don't wait too long to have a baby.

Eat organic. Be frugal.

Take birth control. Birth control causes cancer.

Say what you feel. Keep your thoughts to yourself at work.

Sit still. Don't let life pass you by.

My gay friend who is in love but can't get married, and has no money or savings, and is a phenomonal musician has been talking to me about meditiation. He gets up every single day and meditates and he says it has changed the way the thinks about everything and keeps him sane. Gay people are smarter than straight people. I'm sure of it. I haven't done any research on this. Just a hunch.

I Am Really a Patient Person

There is no way to control anything. And I know this and understand it and all that.

But one thing that I know the result of, that I know what to expect from, is coffee.

If I do not drink coffee I will not sh** my pants. I will also not be hyper alert or anything. I will also probably not get indigestion. And I will most likely eat when I'm supposed to throughout the day.

If I do drink coffee, I will have to go to the bathroom like clockwork about one hour after, I will be focused and be able to write for hours, I will skip a meal because I won't feel hungry, and I will possibly get heartburn.

So now I will apply this same idea to checking a festival website every day for answers.

If I do not check the website I want to pull my hair out, roll around on the floor hyperventilating, and/or eat mindlessly.

If I do check the website and there are no answers I will pull my hair out, roll around on the floor hyperventilating, and/or eat mindlessly.

Well that didn't work.

2010

oh i didnt know greyhound buses were so beautiful and modern!

Anatomy of the Lincoln Park Woman

Whether you are in customer service or just shop at Whole Foods in Lincoln Park Chicago, you know what prototype this is. The alpha female of hyperville Lincoln Park. I'm not talking alpha as in strong, advancing the world, female. I'm talking aggressively rude, self absorbed, materialistic, entitled, and abrasive. I'm talking never moves the the side of the sidewalk when you can't get by. I'm talking doesn't smile at you if you smile at her. I'm talking talks on her blue tooth while she is doing a transaction with you. I'm talking has several nannies but she doesn't really work. I'm talking if you are standing next to this woman at Whole Foods and you were clearly there first, she will tell the deli man she was next.

A. Non expressive eyebrows
B. Non prescription glasses, just something that is in style
C. Blue tooth glued to cheek/mouth/ear
D. Could really be any color hair nowadays.
E. The lips are important. They don't move. Could be from too much botox. Could be she just doesn't smile.
F. Diamonds or pearls. Maybe Lia Sophia or some shit like that
G. Chic/non expressive garments
H. Long dagger fingernails.
I. Gargantuan purse/handbag with big print that hangs over arm at all times and doesn't move out of the way ever. Holds several items such as extra pair of stillettos or creams or screaming baby.
J. Ugly shoes. Even if they are designer. And tall. And clicky. And loud on pavement. You know she's walked into Starbucks if you hear the shoes.
K. Breast cancer awareness clothing/jewelery. Philanthropy by way of fashion, making ugly on the inside beautiful on the outside.
L. The Hispanic nanny or housekeeper.